Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Cat

Let me start off by saying we have a cat. His official name is Ruber. Yep, Ruber. However, a few choice names, not all of them nice, comes to mind. His story begins.....

When my son was almost 5, he asked for a cat from Santa. The cat had to be black. The search begins....

Saw a flyer at the office (before we moved here) for "free" kittens. Let me say, there are no such things as "free" pets. One of these kittens was black and had no tail. The way the males of this species was made. All Ruber's sisters had tails. My first mistake, contacting co-worker about getting this "free" kitten. She would "hold" him for me. She caught him and brought him inside to start training him for us. He was a wild kitty. So for the next few weeks, she worked with him. Then I got the call. Come get him. Second mistake, I went and got him. I had to find someone else to hide him until Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve, we hid kitty in our bathroom. That night, dear child informed us that he'd rather have a yellow cat. Fear not, an idea formed. While Kevin panicked, I found some red construction paper and a gold pen. This is how the note read:

Dear Brett,

I found this little kitty with no tail and he really needs a good home and plenty of love.



Christmas morning rolls around and when it is time, I try to stuff the kitty in the cat carrier. After losing a few layers of skin, I managed to get him in it.

Third mistake....showing him to the wonderful boy child. Brett reached right in, grabbed kitty and called him Ruby. Nope, checked the sex of the kitty, it's a boy. Thus the name Ruber was born. Katie then saw him. Katie hissed at him and sent the kitty scrambling for cover. Now, if you are an animal lover, you may not want to go any further with this story because I am no longer a lover of pets. He's ruined it for me.

From the beginning there are *signs*. Big, in your face, signs. I was allergic to him. Couldn't get near him without feeling like I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. The vet told us that this cat was the worst animal she had ever had to deal with while having him fixed. She couldn't breathe either. You would think at this point we could find him another home. But no. I found a gel that you rub on the cat to help control the dander. This is where Kevin started disliking the cat. He had to rub it on the cat. Again, loss of skin. Seemed to work. 11 years later, I no longer need the gel. On to the cats quirks.

1. Don't come in our house and say "cute" cat. He is anything but. He is stalking you and looking for a way to tear your leg off. We've lost many a child in this house over the years. As these kids got older, they would look for the cat and haul butt up the stairs to Brett's room.
2. "I like cats and he won't bother me." Really, don't tempt fate. This cat had taken off more of my skin than I care to think about.
3. "Ruber likes me." Again, no he doesn't. Please don't press the issue. He likes NOBODY but Brett.
4. For years, he would take my dish towels and hand towels and stuff them in his water bowl. Not really sure how I managed to get him to stop this. If there is a sock around, he's got it.
5. Guests that stay here..please close your suitcase or door. He will drag every piece of clothing out and drag it down the stairs. He will get in the suitcase.
6. Keep the tolit lid down. He likes to play in the water.
7. Don't sit the dry cat food next to the water bowl. He will transfer dry food to the water, make mush, step through it and walk all over the floors.
8. Do not pet him. He's just waiting for that arm to reach down.
9. We have officially lost all cat sitters. The vet won't board him anymore. They had to wear extra thick gloves that reach their elbows just to get in his kennel to feed him. Our neighbor...quit. He attacks her. He screams at her and he spit on her. Even her handy fly swatter had no meaning to this cat.
10. He has cornered folks in the bathroom and wouldn't let them out.
11. He is an early riser. 4 AM to be exact. At one point, he would get under the bed, belly up and scratch the bed until I got up. After years of this nonsense, we got the dog kennel out of the attic and put him in it at the garage. Last night, we forgot. He sat outside our bedroom door and beat his head on the door until I got up.
12. He will come up and bite you for no reason what-so-ever. Draws blood on me.
13. If he's walking in front of you, don't try and hurry him up. He will attack you.
14. And last, for now, he will NOT move from the door when I'm bringing in groceries. He just sits there, or keeps just one step ahead of me. One of these days I fear I will drop a bag on him.....hmmm
After 11 years with Ruber, I know I have forgotten much more than I have written. I'll keep you posted.
Who needs a Pit Bull when you have an attack cat??!!!!

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